sadly enough for her my answer were no more than just a 'nth'

i couldn't helped it...

there is no use telling her wat is exactly wrong

she could never sympathize nor understand my problems or feelings

so instead of telling her and giving her the chance to nag me which will do if she were to know that part of my problem is abt r/s, i would rather just shut up...

another part of the problem would prolly be coz of her and the family... but why would i want to tell her abt this when i know that bringing up the topic would only lead to me and her quarrelling?

i'm seriously not that dumb nor stupid nor retard..

i reali dono why this feeling towards home is building up again..

it's exactly how i felt when i was in sec 3/4..

maybe much more worse..

prolly is coz that i was ald fretting over my personal stuff and they have to come and irritated me...

reali hate it la! :(

i could see the hurt in mama's eyes these few days...

but somehow i feel that there's is nth i could do nor want to do...

if she could be hurt just by me acting/ behaving like this

then wat abt me?

have she ever thought of how i had felt in the past with the way she had treated me and also treating me now?

reali sick of everything ald...

it's not like i have never been hurt by her lidat

think she oso dono how many times in the past she had hurt me ald

she has never shown her support for me when i reali needed it

all she does is to harp on the things i did wrong instead of accepting the fact that wat is done cant be undone and encourage me to move on..

she has never shown her support for me in my sch stuff and still expect me to do well in sch

during pri 6 graduation day, she never attended the ceremony with the excuse that she needed to work despite knowing that i was receiving an award..

i know, that award is not reali great or smth.. not like i received the top in the cohort or wat..

but still it was the best improvement award which shows that i have actually been trying to work hard to perform well in sch.. she never came.. it was ah yi that came and applauded for me while i went up the stage to receive the prize... i know it's good for her to ask ah yi to attend in replace of her but still who wont want their own parents to be there personally to see their child receiving a award? :(

sec 2 was the SYF year and i had the chance to participate in the competition. it was my first time to be actually joining in a competition.. most of my friends parents specially took off to go and watch them perform and to boost their confidence.. but when i asked mama, again same thing, she said she had to work and i still could rmb wat she said when i was persuading her to attend saying that it was my 1st time and how other ppl's parents were taking off: "it's their business mah, but i need to work... it's also not like confirm will get gold lidat.." ... i was reali saddened by it lo... my 1st competition in my world life and this is the way that she is showing me her support..

sec1/2 we had home econs.. 1st half of the year each year will have cooking.. but she never once tasted that food that i bought home from the class.. its was always didi that finished up all the food.. for that i'm reali grateful to him.. he is the only person that wpould eat the food every week when i bring home.. perhaps sec 1 i could understand why mama wont eat coz the theme of that year was indian culture for the sch... for that i dont mind u know coz i understand her preference for indian cuisine.. but sec 2 was nyonya.. how can she not want to eat? i mean among chinese cuisines there is also nyonya food right? so what's her reason for not wanting to eat? i can even rmb there's one day where da ge came over and i happen to have home econs lesson and when i offered him the food, he just took it and ate it without saying anything... then wat abt my own mum? i'm so seriously disappointed and hurt by her actions which she thought nth of... :(

seriously is work reali that impt? i can understand it when u say if u never work then no money.. coz u are the only breadwinner of the family.. but surely u can take a day off once in a while to attend smth that i would reali hope u will be there, that i think is impt to me, that i would want u to be present to support me? is it reali that hard? :( i know it's tough for u to be taking on the family with two kids that are disobedient.. but all i want is some support from u in the things i am doing.. i have never reali blamed u for making me live in a broken family... i admit at 1st when the things happened i did... for awhile.. but not anymore now... it's not reali ur fault that things happened and turned out this way.. we all couldn't have helped it.. so cant u even understand my need for parent support esp when i'm growing up in such an environment? all i asked for is for u to support me in the things that i do.. not to discourage me nor deter me in smth that i have made up my mind on..

i admit i miss having a dad around me sometimes.. i couldn't have helped it seeing friends all happily going out with their dad sometimes or being able to talk to their dad abt their problems.. not that i cant talk to u.. but u being a single parent, ur perspective of the world is different in some ways and is over protective and bias over some issues.. so how am i suppose to talk to u to seek advice from u instead of getting a lecture from u? :(

it's not that i bear a grudge against you or something..

it's just that these are the things u have done that had reali hurt me in the past.. the scars are ald there.. so how not to remember these things?

they may be insignificant to u and u may have ald forgotten abt them.. but my scars are there...

i couldn't help but be reminded of them at times when the emptiness wash over me... :(

if only the scars will heal..

if only the memories will fade..

if only the feelings will go..

i might have been less troubled.. :/