yes.. i do wonder where my 'dad' is sometimes in the middle of the night or when i am daydreaming...

just when i have come to terms with the fact that i could not have a proper dad to accompany me in my growing stages unlike most of the other kids and my friends...

why? WHY?

why do u have to even appear and let my relative spot u... to even see that u are still alive.. that u are still in Singapore?

为什么你就不要死回 malaysia and never let me hear abt u again?

hearing abt this news is seriously not doing me great...

i seriously cant forget that harm and hurt that u have inflicted on me...

depriving me of the childhood that i could have enjoyed and experienced...

instead, i was forced to grow up and mature at such an age...

not being able to be childish even for a single moment...

seriously I HATE U!!

why did u have to appear and bring me into this state of helplessness and hopelessness!! :(

there is nth that i can do!!

on one hand i HATE YOU TO THE CORE!! but on the other hand i have always wished that i have a dad and can u a daddy's girl like all my other friends...

to be pampered and showered with care and concern..

to be able to go on family trips like a normal family that i have always seen outside... :(

and what mama said to me after hearing it oso doesnt help me at all...

it somehow just worsen my emotions like totally.. =.=

not that im blaming her...

i too understand how she feels... moreover what she went through then was a thousand, a million time worse than mine.. :(

but saying to me: "in your dictionary, there is no such word as 'papa'.."

seriously dont u think that these words are abit harsh for me?

though i may have grown up and have fully understand the whole situation... :(

sometimes i just want to disappear from this world.. even for a short moment...

to run away from all this problems!

ALL I WANT IS PEACE!

TO GROW UP LIKE ANY NORMAL KID..

SURROUNDED BY A WARM, CARING AND COMPLETE FAMILY...

WHY CANT I HAVE IT? :(

is it reali too much to ask for?

maybe... maybe this is just too much...

maybe i have asked for this too late.. :(

sometimes i rather that he had died...

died trying to do something to feed the family..

if he was a mother.. i rather he died giving birth to me...

at least this way i would rmb him... for his effort bringing me to this world..

at least either way he had tried had enough to do something that is worthy enough for me to miss him...

i might have been happier... missing him like this...

unlike now... he totally doesnt deserve me to even miss him...

but it's not like i can help it....

coz all i want is a complete family... :(

i might have been happier...

i could have been happier...

i definitely deserve to be happier...

but somehow all this could only be a small dream of mine...

never to be fulfilled.. :(