eyes damn tired and sore now.. :(
apprantly slping did not help in clearing my mind..
somehow somewhere at the back of my mind it is still haunting me..
not willing to let me put it aside for a moment or two...
woke up in the middle of my nap tearing..
fell back to slp again after coz didnt want mummy to see..
don think she came into room oso..
woke up again and started tearing..
realized mummy went out and there's only a slping brother who is always difficult to be woke up..
then started crying real..
sobbing and hiccuping mad..
felt kind of good oso..
to be able to let out my emotions so freely..
all the sadness, the irritation and frustration and hatred for sch and all..
and whatever shit feelings there is.. from the lack of slp and all..
rarely got the chance to go on a real crying rage..
thankful that i am able to do it now...
with no one at home to judge and question me...
literally la.. considering how bro can never be woken up easily..
but its prolly good that my brain doesnt allow me to put aside the problem for a moment..
letting me know how important it is for me to correct things right now before things could possibly get worse? and i hope not.. reali.. :(
i dont think i can stand the losing anyone that is important to me..
not that i have alot to start with..
prolly at most at most 5 including sister and god-mum..
my own father didnt want me and my god-dad has ald leave me..
and no.. idw to lose people again..
at least not this way..
thought and reflected alot..
the good thing to prepare for the start of a new year but in a not so good way..
but whatever..
thing is i got to reflect and all
2012 has been a year filled ups and downs..
but still despite the downs, there were alot of happiness and joy for me :)
its the year that i found my comfort place and my second 'family' at the Bay
that i found the person that meant the world to me :)
and i got on better terms with my mother :)
but they say when u have too much of the good things in life, they will take some back from you..
and that is where all the downs comes..
sch literally sucks..
everybody is just putting up with a pretence just for the sake of project..
okie la.. literally most of my downs are all cause of sch..
sch just sucks this semester.. big time
and not to say the few rough patches between us.. :(
however still thankful for everything that took place.. coz they shaped me to who i am now...
things that happened seriously made me realized how selfish i have been..
to take everything for granted..
including the people that who are the dearest to me..
being so insensitive to their feelings and needs...
thinking that they can know what i think and feel without me telling them and that such behaviour is okie :(
to trust that they will always be here for me and put up with my nonsense and attitude..
i am wrong to think that way..
i shouldn't let things that happened in the past changed me..
to think how i used to be able to express my feelings openly...
to how now that i tend to not show my feelings directly anymore..
to how i will hide my real feelings and shut people out just because im afraid that i will be hurt again..
now that i said everything out..
its ridiculous to realised how wrong a mindset im having..
just because im afraid to get hurt again i in turn hurt others..
its just not right..
totally.. :(
i have never believed in making a new year resolution and have never did before coz i always think it redundant..
like for what only change on a new year.. like other time cant change meh...
but this time is different... plus that fact that i saw through my own shortcomings now..
and yes only now.. living too much in my own bubble to realised anything..
what a fool i have been..
so for 2013, i'm gonna change this bad habit of mine..
i gonna be more expressive and open of myself to the people that deserves it..
to let them know where they stand and how important they are in my life...
my mother include..
haven been showing her enough of attention as well...
been a unfilial daughter so as to say :(
and that will be my new year resolution
and i trust that i will be able to do it..
to change my bad habit of not opening up and expressing myself to people and taking people for granted..
have been neglecting baby's feelings and needs too much these days..
haven been showering him with enough attention and time...
but i know i cant blame it on my hectic sch work and stuff that has been depriving me of time..
coz afterall time is planned by oneself..
so all i can blame is me for not managing my time wisely enough..
shall try to plan my time more wisely now..
second resolution for the year as well.. since i ald made one..
i just hope that its not too late..
but i'm still gonna fulfil the resolution regardless of anything..
but should i not be able to fulfil this immediately coz i reali have too much things on my plate i just wished that baby can understand..
just two more weeks is all i ask for..
then all the damn projects will come to an end..
a huge portion on my plate will be cleared...
not sure if baby will read my blog or this post..
considering how bloody long this post is..
but i hope he gets what i mean here...
that is if he read this..
that's all im asking for..
can hear mummy's key ald.. crying rage have to stop now..
shall dash to the toilet first before she sees me like this and start worrying about me..
me no like her worry me.. and me no want her to worry about me over my own personal matters that is a result of my bad habit and handling of stuff.. :((
okokie.. need to run to toilet to hide and dry my tears now before it too late.. :(
